My Radioactive Renaissance, A Mutants Tale

After all the hype about the shower of radioactive death that would rain in my region of the planet I had some concerns. I was well aware that I was already exposed to plenty of radiation in my earlier years. Other than a few anomalous growths and an overwhelming desire to drink human blood I weathered my contamination quite well actually. I am comfortable in knowing that I am forever genetically altered and that my DNA double helix more resembles a wad of used chewing gum on chop sticks. Since I could not possibly escape the radioactive plume I decided to make the most of it.

OK so our environment will have more ambient radiation than before and more cancers will evolve that coincidentally resembles radiation sickness. But for all the concerns for the ill effects of radiation exposure I really want to know if I can micro-wave a pizza outside during a nuclear event. A coronal mass ejection would be ideal with all them big juicy gamma and x-rays flying all around. And if the magnetosphere is absent on that day it’s the CME Cha Cha, beam me up Scotty. But I guess it does not matter where I am when one of them puppies explodes. So I was just thinking; I’m going to be all contaminated anyway so why not have a super power

Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity they say. Well, here I am glowing in the dark from another nuclear catastrophe and it’s about time I cash in on my radioactivness. Maybe I could get x-ray vision from my exposure, which would be cool. Hopefully I could shut it off from time to time so I don’t view everyone in the buff. I could get a job with TSA and work at the airport checking everyone out naked. The down side to x-ray vision would be the fact boobs would loose their magical appeal. After a while butts would simply look like just another stinky ass trying to find the right concourse. Hmm, forget about it. I already think the world is run by a bunch of buttheads anyway. That’s all I would need is a visual.

I could fly around like superman or something. I would not need a car or insurance and the cost of fuel, oy vey. I could zip on down to Wal-Mart or Zellers without having to find a place to part. But what would I do with all the junk I bought at the store? Maybe I could get the cashier to double bag my stuff so I don’t lose anything on the way home. That’s all I need is to whack someone on the head with a bag of dog food that dropped out of the sky. Gads, I’ve already made my attorneys rich from my anger management issues. That’s all I need are law suites for broken windows, dented cars and a few headaches from airborne groceries.

And how would I go out on a date? Would the chick need a helmet and would I have to strap her to me like a seatbelt? What if she drops a high heel and impales someone on the ground like a lawn dart? If she had a skirt on that could cause complications. Her bum would be hanging out there for the whole world to gawk at eh. Naw, think I’ll pass on that one to. Besides, the landing part would probably not be so cool. I’d crash and burn every time I landed. I’d have groceries everywhere in the pasture. Ginger the Wonder Horse and the crew would have a field day, forget about it.

Being invisible would suck for the most part, nothing like being ignored. But my biggest fear would be to materialize in front of someone only to discover that I am buck naked. I doubt my cloths would disappear since I would be the one that is radioactive but I guess I could contaminate them. I probably could contaminate everything I touched for that matter. Only problem is contamination is not invisibility. Hmm, would that be a super power? I could be Radioactive Man, a contemporary hero of the radiologically contaminated age. I could go to parties with my super powers and microwave popcorn under my armpits and warm pizza slices with my buttocks. That would get the ladies. Gads, would I be forced to wear spandex? And well, me and the boys don’t like restrictions, if you get my drift. Since we’re on the subject of genitalia and super powers ….aw skip it.

So here I am enjoying my radioactive weekend. Guess I might as well get some chicken wings and dipping stuff. I’ll also need some corn and potato chips, most likely GMO. I make my own bean dip and killer guacamole. Hmm, that reminds me, I better make my salsa to. And I think I’ll do a scientific experiment as well. I’ll pull out a few moose steaks and place them on a rack outside and see if the ambient radiation cooks the meat. Just in case, I’ll have the grill at the ready. I also have some elk but since its radiation weekend I’m going for the gusto. What better way to ingest my share of alpha and beta particles then to imbibe in a thick juicy moose steak smothered in onions and garlic with a hint of fresh sage, pepper and sea salt?

I like squirrel and other rodents prepared that way as well. They say fennel is best for long pork. I personally thought fresh spearmint worked well with all the flavors, especially in the sauce and rue. It’s sort of minty with a meat bravado that is reminiscent to lamb….Hello Clarice. In any event radiation and all its joys are here to stay. The Fukushima nuclear festival was simply a transuranic memo identifying the frailties and haplessness of man and his technologies. Many nuclear disasters preceded Fuku and unfortunately more will follow during the era we live, there is no question.

As I view the picturesque Rocky Mountains, a breeze with spring’s musings and Nippon’s Nuclear Noir embrace their liberty while dancing throughout my home in radiological flare. Actually I’ve come to the realization that I am a mutant because my DNA is surely altered by now. We are all mutants for that matter so it’s already a done deal for this generation. So what is everyone squawking about? Some of us will rot quicker than others, big deal. We do that already; we’ll just have more to rot about. Only real difference is our rate of decomposition from the varying degrees of exposure we’ve been receiving.

On the bright side, what a business opportunity radiation has to offer a guy with the right angle for a quick buck. I can see it now, me and my traveling medical show selling tinctures of lead and iodine based remedies for radiation sickness. From creams, lotions, teas and even suppositories I could have a radiological roach coach and sell potassium iodine smoothies on the side. I’ll move to Austin, Texas the roach coach capital of the world. Austin really rocks……………

Your Devil’s Advocate


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